


A Series of Unfortunate Falls

by RockSunner



Category: Gravity Falls, Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Universe - Fusion, Can't Con a Con, Crossover Pairings, F/M, Humor, Mystery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2018-04-06
Packaged: 2018-09-19 02:30:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9414104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RockSunner/pseuds/RockSunner
Summary: The Baudelaire orphans have been sent to live with a distant relative, their Grunkle Stan in America. Will he be able to keep them safe from Count Olaf and the many local dangers?The Baudelaires and other "Series of Unfortunate Events" characters are owned by Daniel Handler. The Gravity Falls characters are owned by Alex Hirsch and Disney.





	1. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 1

I hope that, as a reader, you normally seek out books on pleasant subjects, so as not to distress yourselves and go mad with grief, as I, Lemony Snicket, have done. I have the sworn duty to record the unfortunate lives of the Baudelaire orphans. But you do not have the duty to read about them, so I advise you to look elsewhere for your entertainment.

The Baudelaire orphans: Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, have been followed by ill luck since the day that they lost both their parents and their home in a terrible fire. They have moved from one temporary home to another ever since, always pursued by the nefarious (a word which here means "absurdly evil and sneaky") Count Olaf, who is after their enormous fortune.

* * *

"Fix up the attic room, Soos," said Stan Pines. "I have relatives coming to stay here."

"Dipper and Maple, right, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos, his handyman. (The girl's name was actually Mabel, but Soos was confused about that, as he was about many other things).

"No, I had to turn them down as guests for the summer," said Stan. "There's a relative of mine from an obscure European country..."

"What country?" asked Soos.

"I dunno, maybe England. They speak English, anyway. My sister's daughter died, leaving a crazy will that said her children have to be raised by a close relative. They tried some closer relatives and it didn't work out, so now I'm elected."

"What happened to the closer relatives, Mr. Pines?"

"I hear they were murdered," said Stan.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," said Soos.

* * *

The bus arrived at a building which was dilapidated (a word which here means, "poorly-maintained and with a sign that had a letter that was about to fall down"). Just as they arrived, the letter "S" fell off of the words "Mystery Shack," leaving "Mystery Hack."

There was a puff of smoke and an elderly man appeared. He wore a burgandy fez, he had an eye patch over his left eye, and he carried a cane with an eight-ball on top.

"Welcome, tourists, to the Mystery Shack!" he shouted. "Come one, come all, and be amazed."

"There are no tourists on this bus this time, only us," said Violet, coming down the bus steps. "I'm Violet."

"Hello, you must be our great-uncle Stan," said Klaus, also descending. "I'm Klaus."

"Sunny!" said Sunny, crawling out after them.

With a loud fit of coughing, the final member of the party exited the bus. "And I (cough cough) am Mr. Poe, banker and temporary guardian of the Baudelaire orphans, here to hand them over to you."

"Welcome," said Stan. To the banker he said, "I hear they have a big fortune. Do I get money for their upkeep?"

"Certainly not," said Poe. "Their fortune must remain intact in our bank until Violet comes of age, at age 18."

"How old is she now?" asked Stan.

"I'm 14," said Violet.

"So, I'm supposed to raise these kids at my own expense for four years?" asked Stan.

"Precisely," said Poe. With another coughing fit, he climbed back up into the bus. "Goodbye, children. Enjoy your new home."

The Baudelaires and Stan looked at each other with growing dismay.

"I hope you guys can earn your keep around here," said Stan.

"I could help you invent flashy special effects for your tourist attraction," said Violet.

"I've read a lot of books and I can do research for you," said Klaus.

"Bite!" said Sunny, showing her two sharp teeth.

"Hmm," said Stan. "Well, there's always sweeping up, straightening, chopping wood..."

"This begins to remind me of Count Olaf," said Violet. "Although I'm sure you will be much nicer."

"Count Olaf?" asked Stan. "Who's that?"

"We need to warn you about our first guardian," said Klaus. "He's a terrible villain who is after our fortune. He's a master of disguise. So far, his disguises have fooled everyone but us."

"F'sade," said Sunny, which meant, "So if we tell you we see Olaf in disguise, please believe us."

"Can your kid sister talk?" asked Stan.

"She's a little young for that, but we can understand her baby-talk," said Violet.

"About Olaf, don't worry. I'm pretty hard to trick. Can't con a con, they say," said Stan.

"Con?" asked Sunny.

"Figure of speech," said Stan. "Not that I'm a con-man, or a convict, or anything. I'm just a conny old man, I mean, a canny old man."

The Baudelaires looked at one another uneasily. Little did they know the unfortunate horrors in store for them in this most unusual town.

"I'm your great-uncle, so you can call me Grunkle Stan."

"Griglet?" asked Sunny, which meant, "Is Grunkle a real word?"

"Manners, Sunny," said Violet. "Pleased to meet you, Grunkle Stan."

Klaus said, "Pleased to meet you too, Grunkle Stan."

Stan ignored the politeness. "Your mother was Jewish, and so am I. Were you raised Jewish?"

"Mazeltov!" said Sunny.

Stan blinked and looked again at Sunny. "She understands a lot, doesn't she? I can see her as an attraction: the World's Smartest Baby. Is She a Baby or is She a Grownup?"

"You'd make our sister a sideshow attraction?" asked Klaus.

"Yeah, and we can glue dog hair on you and make you a wolf-boy who dances for money," said Stan. "Got a problem with that?"

"Not really," said Violet with a sigh. "It's the kind of thing we've become used to."


	2. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 2

The Baudelaires were working in the Mystery Shack gift shop. Violet was dusting Stan bobble-heads, Sunny was on the floor near the freezer licking up Popsicle drips, and Klaus was sweeping near the front counter.

Two other employees were there: Wendy, the red-headed cashier, who was sitting behind the counter and reading a magazine; and Soos, who was hanging a new "No Refunds" sign on the wall.

"How do you like it here so far?" Wendy asked Klaus. "Too much work, I think."

"Walee," said Sunny, which meant, "I seldom see you doing any."

"We've had worse," said Klaus. "Like the one at a lumber mill."

"Really? My dad's a lumberjack," said Wendy. "Mill work might be interesting."

"We had to strip bark from logs with hand tools," said Violet.

"Gnaah," said Sunny, which meant, "And teeth."

"Bummer," said Soos. "I don't like chewing wood. I get splinters in my gums."

Stan came in carrying a pile of signs. "All right, all right, look alive, people. I need someone to go hammer up these signs in the spooky part of the forest."

"Brex!" said Sunny, which meant, "Count me out!"

"I would prefer not," said Violet.

"The same with me," said Klaus.

"Uh, also not it," said Soos.

Stan said, "Nobody asked you, Soos."

"I know, and I'm comfortable with that," said Soos.

"Wendy, I need you to put up these signs!" said Stan.

Wendy pretended to reach for the signs from where she sat on the other side of the room. "I would, but I, ugh, can't, ugh, reach it, ugh..."

"I'd fire all of you if I could," said Stan. "All right, let's make it... eenie, meenie, miney... you."

He pointed at Klaus.

"Grunkle Stan, I don't like going out into those woods alone," said Klaus. "It might be dangerous. There are also mosquitoes. Just look at these bites on my arm. There are so many that they almost spell the word BEWARE."

"That says BEWARB," said Stan. "Look, kid. The whole 'monsters in the forest' thing is just local legend, drummed up by guys like me to sell merch to guys like that."

He pointed to a large bald man who was laughing at a Stan bobble-head.

"I don't think my brother is afraid of legendary monsters," said Violet. "Some of the people we're met are monsters enough for anyone."

"Olmé!" said Sunny, which meant, "Count Olaf and Esmé, for example."

"Quit being so paranoid!" said Stan. "Go!"

He thrust the handful of signs at Klaus, who took them with a sigh.

"I'll do it, but you'd better do something about that tourist you just pointed out to me," Klaus told Stan in a quiet voice.

"Why?" asked Stan.

"He's not a tourist. He's Count Olaf in disguise," said Klaus. "He has a bald wig and padding to look fat, but I would know him anywhere."

"Does he have money?" asked Stan.

"He didn't used to, but he probably has some from his rich girlfriend, Esmé Squalor," said Klaus.

"Then he really is a rich tourist. I'll try to get him to spend a bundle here before I boot him out."

"Be careful, he's killed our guardians before."

"I can take care of myself, kid."

* * *

Klaus returned from his errand and spoke to his siblings. "Is Count Olaf gone?"

"Looks like it, for now," said Violet. "Grunkle Stan punched him and kicked him out after you left, after he bought a bobble-head for fifty dollars."

"Good. Finally we have a guardian who can recognize Olaf," said Klaus.

"Eeswood," said Sunny, which meant, "And he's tough."

Klaus produced a dusty volume with a six-fingered hand on the cover.

"I found a metal tree when I was putting up signs," said Klaus. "Inside a panel in the tree there was a switch which opened a secret compartment in the ground, and inside that was this book."

"Frout!" said Sunny, which meant "Fascinating."

"What kind of book is it?" asked Violet.

"It's supposed to be the journal of a man who researched this area for years," said Klaus. "But it's probably fictional. It has all sorts of entries about monsters and ghosts. The kinds of things Grunkle Stan says are just legends to fool tourists."

"Gbusta," said Sunny, which meant, "Maybe it's real."

"It was hidden in an unusual place, with an advanced mechanical opening device," said Violet. "I'd like to study it and see what we can learn about the inventor."

"When we have some free time, I'll take you there," said Klaus.


	3. The Trapped Tourists, Chapter 3

The Baudelaires were investigating the strange tree which had revealed "Journal 3" to Klaus.

"This certainly is an unusual tree," said Klaus.

"Bogoose," said Sunny, which meant, "It's totally fake."

"I believe the whole thing is made of metal," said Violet. "And look up there – that branch looks like a switch."

"I see what you mean," said Klaus.

"If we had some way of getting up there, we could see what happens when we pull it," said Violet.

"Grapgook!" said Sunny, which meant, "Why not make a grappling hook, like the one you used when you tried to rescue me from Olaf's tower?"

"Excellent idea, Sunny," said Violet. "I'm sure I can find the materials I need among the odds and ends at the Mystery Shack."

A shambling figure in a dark hoodie came up to them as they stood looking up into the tree.

"'Sup?" he asked.

Sunny looked at him with suspicion. "Notanks!" she said, which meant, "If you're inviting us to supper, we don't take food from strangers."

"Sunny, I think he is trying to say 'What's up?'," said Klaus. "That's a standard greeting in America."

"Yeah. Hi." said the figure, waving a white-gloved hand.

"Hello, I'm Violet, and these are my siblings Klaus and Sunny."

"I'm Normal...man."

"Normalman?" asked Klaus. "Is that a nickname for Norman?"

"Uh... yeah. You can call me Norman."

"Norman, are you from around here, or a tourist?" Violet asked.

"My family lives deeper in the woods," said Norman. "Violet, would you like to go out with me? I can show you around the forest."

"I'm really not up for that," said Violet. "I recently had a very bad experience with an older man who tried to force me to marry him. I've decided not to date until I'm older."

"That's too bad," said Norman. "You wouldn't get married, even if you could become a queen?"

"I would have become a countess, and I would have been miserable," said Violet.

"You sure you don't want to go out with me?" asked Norman. "We could have lots of fun."

"Violet said no," said Klaus firmly.

"Greep!" said Sunny.

"My little sister means we're getting a creepy vibe from you,," said Klaus. "In fact, you remind me of an illustration in this journal I found. Look at this..."

Klaus flipped open the book, intending to show the page on "The Undead," but the book opened by accident to the page on "Gnomes."

Norman recoiled at the image of a little man with a pointy hat. "How did you know? I thought our disguise was perfect."

"What are you talking about?" asked Violet. "'Our disguise'?"

The figure pulled off his hoodie and let it drop to the ground, revealing five bearded little men standing in a stack, two on each side and one on top. The top one had formed the head of "Norman." The two below him were holding fake wooden arms with white gloves on the ends, padded to look like hands.

"We're gnomes," said the top one. "I'm Jeff, and here we have Carson, Steven, Jason, and... I'm sorry, I always forget your name."

"Schmebulock," said the one on the bottom left.

"Schmebulock!" said Jeff, snapping his fingers. "Yes! Anyways, long story short, us gnomes have been lookin' for a new queen! Right, guys?"

"Queen, Queen, Queen!" chanted the others.

"So what do you say, Violet?" asked Jeff. He tapped Steve with his foot, and the whole figure assumed a kneeling position. "Will you join us in holy matrignomey? Matri...matri- _mo_ -ny! Blah! Can't talk today!"

"I told you I'm not interested," said Violet. "I'm too young."

"We understand. We'll never forget you, Violet," said Jeff.

The Baudelaires relaxed a bit.

"Because we're gonna kidnap you!' said Jeff.

The gnomes disassembled and charged at Violet.

Though they were outnumbered, the Baudelaires had become accustomed to difficult situations and immediately fought back.

Sunny jumped at Jason and bit him hard on the leg. The pain made him vomit a rainbow.

Violet kicked Jason away, but Jeff grabbed her by the arm.

"Let go of my sister! Or else..." said Klaus, holding the journal like a bat.

Jeff said, "Do you think you can stop us, boy? You have no idea what we're capable of. The gnomes are a powerful race! Do not trifle with the..."

Klaus batted him away with the journal. Violet picked up Sunny and they all ran.

"You've messed with the wrong creatures, boy! Gnomes of the forest, assemble!" shouted Jeff.

Steve said, "We're not deep enough in the woods, boss. There aren't any gnomes around but us."

"Rats!" said Jeff. "Chase them anyway."

Gnomes have the uncanny ability to join themselves into one giant being. Had there been enough of them, they might easily have captured the Baudelaires and carried off Violet to be their queen.

As it was, the longer legs of the children allowed them to easily outdistance the gnomes and reach the safety of the Mystery Shack. With all the tourists standing around the place the gnomes didn't dare let themselves be seen. They slunk away into the forest.

"Gloseone!" said Sunny, which meant, "That was a narrow escape."

"We know one thing now," said Klaus. "At least some of the entries in this journal are true."

"Maybe they all are," said Violet.

"This is going to take some research," said Klaus. "One thing we have to take seriously is what it says on the first page."

"Whazzat?" asked Sunny.

"Trust no one," said Klaus.

"Except each other," said Violet. "We always have each other's backs."

"Awksibhug?" asked Sunny.

"Yes, awkward sibling hug," said Violet.

They hugged and patted each other's back.

"Patpat!" said Sunny.

* * *

Later, Grunkle Stan said, "Uh, hey! W-wouldn't you know it? Um, I accidentally overstocked some inventory, so, uh... how's about each of you take one item from the gift shop? On the house, y'know?"

"Really?" asked Klaus.

"Is there a catch?" asked Violet.

"The catch is do it before I change my mind, now take something."

Sunny selected a small replica of the "Stone that Looks Like a Face" as a chew toy.

Klaus got a map of the area to help his research.

Violet found something in a box behind a counter. "Just what I need."

"Wouldn't she rather have, like, a doll, or something?" Stan asked Klaus.

"No, I want this," said Violet. "A grappling hook."


	4. The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Chapter 1

The next day, Grunkle Stan announced, "Today we'll close up shop and have a family bonding day!"

"What will we be doing?" Klaus asked.

"An art project. I'm gonna see if you three have a good eye for detail."

Stan led them to a workroom where he had laid out pens, paints, and rectangles of paper. He placed in the center of the table a one-hundred dollar bill.

"See if you can make really good copies of this, kids."

"But, isn't that against the law?" asked Violet.

"Nonsense, it's just for fun," said Stan. "Grab a brush."

Violet said, "I've drafted blueprints before. I can do the line work and lettering."

Klaus said, "I've read books about painting, so I can try that."

"Vangou!" said Sunny, which meant, "I'll mix the colors."

* * *

Hours later, after they had made many bills and hung them up to dry, Stan was still critical of the results.

"You call that Ben Franklin? He looks like a woman," Stan said to Klaus.

They heard police sirens, and a flashing light appeared in the window.

"Uh-oh," said Stan.

Two police officers burst in. One was tall and skinny, the other short and fat.

"We got a tip y'all were up to no good," said the short one.

"Your snitch is wrong, Blubs," said Stan. "This is a harmless family art project."

"I dunno, Sheriff," said the skinny one. "I don't see any of them fitting counters."

"That's counterfeiting, Deputy Durland," said the Sheriff. "Making fake money."

"Oh, that's right," said Durland. "Sorry, Sheriff."

"No problem Deputy," said Blubs, "Right or wrong, you're always a delight to work with."

"Come along, all of you," said Duland. "We're taking you to the county jail."

"The three of us are juveniles," said Violet. "We shouldn't be put in an adult jail."

"It doesn't work that way in Gravity Falls," said Blubs. "The town founder said all criminals will be treated equally. No matter how old you are, everyone is tried as an adult."

"So we could sent to prison with hardened criminals, much older and tougher than we are?" asked Klaus.

"That's right city boy," said Durland with a giggle.

"Figeers," said Sunny, which meant, "As we might have expected, things are going badly for us again."

* * *

They were all put in one cell. Fortunately for them, there were no other older and tougher criminals there (besides their Grunkle, of course).

"It's cold in here," Klaus complained.

"We could huddle together for warmth," suggested Violet.

"Good idea," said Stan. "Gather around and keep me warm, kids."

"Glupoff," said Sunny, which meant "You got us into this, so stay away."

They heard the voices of four people coming down the corridor. Two were Blubs and Durland, and the other two were strangely familiar to the Baudelaires.

Blubs said, "Folks, I want to introduce two out-of-town police officers who are helping us with your case. Meet Officer Luciana and the famous Detective Dupin."

Officer Luciana wore a helmet covering her entire face, so that only her smiling red lips could be seen.

Dupin wore a loud turquoise blazer, and a pair of silver pants decorated with tiny mirrors that glinted in the lights of the jail corridor. A pair of enormous sunglasses covered the entire upper half of his face, hiding his one eyebrow and his shiny, shiny eyes. Bright green plastic shoes with yellow lightning bolts sticking out of them covered his ankles, so that no one could see an eye tattoo on his left one. Most unpleasant of all, he had no shirt, only a thick golden chain with a detective's badge on it.

"Count Olaf!" said Violet, looking at Dupin.

"Esmè Squalor!" cried Klaus, looking at Luciana.

"It's not cool to call Detective Dupin by the wrong name," said Dupin, snapping his fingers.

"Sheriff Blubs, you have to believe us," said Violet. "He's no police officer, he's a terrible villain. He's been after us for months, for our fortune."

"I vouch for him," said Officer Luciana. "He's a world-famous detective."

"And why should you take her word for that?" asked Stan.

"She's his girlfriend, and just as much of a villain as he is," said Klaus.

"Yecch!" said Sunny.

"I vouch for her," said Dupin. "She's a famous police chief."

"If a famous detective says so, that's good enough for me," said Blubs.

"Me too," said Durland. "He must be a great detective, since he tipped us off about you fitters."

"Sheesh!" said Stan. "Unbelievable."

"You two can run along and take the night off," said Luciana to Blubs and Durland.

"We'll take care of the prisoners for you," said Dupin.

"Thank you kindly," said Blubs. "We could use some quality together time, right Durland?"

"Yes, Sheriff," said Durland.

The two started off down the corridor.

"Wait!" called Violet.

"Don't leave us here with them," called Klaus.

"Goofs!" called Sunny.

Stan said something unprintable, but it was too late. The two officers were gone.


	5. The Curmudgeonly Counterfeiter, Chapter 2

Olaf said, "Well, now that those fools are gone we can get down to business."

He took off his sunglasses, revealing his one eyebrow and his shiny, shiny eyes.

Esmé Squalor removed her helmet, revealing the face that the children had learned to hate. "That's right, and at last I'll have my revenge for the stolen sugar bowl."

"You're getting the kids over my dead body," said Stan.

"That's the idea," said Olaf. "Esmé, there must be a gun somewhere in this police station. Get one for me, will you?"

Esmé nodded and went to look.

"You can't get away with shooting our Grunkle," said Violet.

"Yeah," said Stan. "What she said."

"The great Detective Dupin will plant evidence that it was you children who tried to get away with murder," said Olaf. "You turned on your guardian, killed him, and one of you escaped."

"One of us?" asked Klaus.

"If you can call being spirited out of Gravity Falls by one of my assistants to be an escape," said Olaf in his wheezy voice. "The other two will be tried for murder and be sent to prison for life. That is, until I can arrange for you to be murdered by your fellow inmates. You bratty orphans are too stupid to realize it, but a genius like me knows that it only takes one child to inherit a fortune."

Olaf laughed a loud and rude laugh. "But I don't want to be cruel," he said, smiling to indicate that he really wanted to be as cruel as possible. "I'll let you three decide who gets the honor of spending the rest of their pathetic life with me, and who get to die in prison."

"We absolutely refuse to entertain the notion," said Violet.

"Frulk!" said Sunny.

"Right, Sunny," said Stan. "That's close to a word I would say about all this."

Esmé returned, frowning. "I can't find a gun anywhere, darling. Only nightsticks, tasers, and a piñata."

"Ha!" said Stan. "The police don't use guns in this town. Local ordinance TVY7."

"Blast them," said Olaf.

"Also, I think they took the keys to the cells with them," said Esmé.

"Double blast them," said Olaf, pulling a large throwing knife from his pocket. "But I can still kill the old man and take the brats when they're transferred to a more secure facility."

"Just try it," said Stan. "If you don't kill me on the first knife throw, you ain't gonna like where I throw it back."

Stan and Olaf stared at each other for a few seconds. Olaf turned his head away first.

"We'll have to wait until morning, when they are taken to their hearing," said Olaf. "Come on, Esmé."

"Grub!" said Sunny.

"My sister means, 'May we have something to eat?'" said Klaus.

"Even bread and water would be better than nothing," said Violet.

"There's no rule in this town that we have to give you anything," said Esmé. "So we won't."

The two villains left, laughing together.

"Too bad," said Violet. "I was hoping to use bread and water to dissolve the mortar between the bricks and escape."

"That deus ex machina is impossible now," said Klaus.

"Whuzz?" asked Sunny.

"That's a Latin term that means 'the god from the machine'," said Klaus. "It means something helpful that arrives when you least expect it."

"Doesn't sound like it would have worked, anyway," said Stan. "You can't dissolve a brick wall with bread and water."

"You'd be surprised what works for us, sometimes," said Violet. "Never mind, I have a backup plan."

* * *

The next morning, Blubs and Durland were back, accompanied by Olaf and Esmé in their false identities.

"It's time for your bail hearing in court, miscreants" said Esmé. "Not that you could possibly make bail."

"You should be the ones to take us to court, Blubs," said Stan. "After all, you captured us and you deserve the glory."

"It would be more cool for Detective Dupin to do the honors," said Olaf.

"No, Stan's right," said Durland. "The Sheriff and I want to do cool stuff, too. You can take them back to jail afterward."

"All right, we can wait," said Esmé with a sinister smile.

* * *

"Do you know the Justice who will hear this case?" Violet asked Stan when they were in the courtroom.

"They call 'em judges in this country," said Stan. "It's Judge Judith, and that's not good. I had a run-in with her a few years about a llamacide."

"A llamacide?" asked Klaus. "You mean...?"

"That llama knew too much," muttered Stan. "Never mind that now."

The hearing proceeded, with Blubs and Durland showing off the painted bills they captured as evidence.

"Your honor, this was just a family art project," said Stan. "We were never going to use them to try to buy something."

"That's right," said Violet. "It's play money for a game Stan was creating for us."

"It's not just play money, young lady," said the Judge. "Not if it says on it: 'This note is legal tender for all debts public and private.' That makes it counterfeit, and punishable by law."

"I did the lettering and I know what it says," said Violet. "Look more closely."

The judge put on her reading spectacles and read slowly, "This is not legal tender for all debts public and private."

"That doesn't matter," said Olaf.

"As a matter of fact, it does," said Judge Judith. "I rule that this is play money. Case dismissed."

* * *

Stan made a quick phone call from the court building.

"We're going home," said Stan. "Soos is picking us up, and I asked him to bring weapons. Nobody's taking you away from me today."

"We'll get you next time, Baudelaires," said Olaf, stalking away with Esmé.

"We'll be ready for you," said Violet.

"Blargeet!' said Sunny.

"That was good planning about the lettering, Violet," said Stan. "How did you think of it?"

"I've learned to be very careful of the letter of the law," said Violet. "You're going to have to be more careful too, Grunkle Stan."

"I'll try," said Stan.

He was crossing his fingers behind his back.


	6. The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Chapter 1

The Baudelaires were eating breakfast in the Mystery Shack kitchen. There was a local tabloid on the table, the "Wacky News," but it appeared to be of such poor quality that even Klaus wasn't tempted to read it.

Violet said, "This is better food than we've had in quite a while."

Klaus said, "It beats the gum at the Lucky Smells Lumberyard, anyway."

"Stncake!" said Sunny, which meant, "I found some of Grunkle Stan's hair in one of my pancakes."

"But we have two kinds of syrup," said Klaus. "Sir Syrup and Mountie Man. It's odd how this town doesn't seem to have big name brands of anything."

Stan came into the room. "Good morning, knuckleheads. You three know what day it is?"

"Your birthday?" asked Klaus.

"Mazel tov?" asked Sunny.

"It's Family Fun Day, geniuses! We're cuttin' off work and having one of those, you know, bonding-type deals," said Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, is this going to be anything like our last family bonding day?" asked Violet.

"The county jail was so cold," said Klaus.

"Doop!" said Sunny, which meant, "Olaf almost got us."

"All right, maybe I haven't been the best guardian," said Stan. "But I swear, today we're gonna have some real family fun. Now who wants to put on some blindfolds and get into my car?"

"What?" asked Violet and Klaus together.

Sunny gasped and looked horrified.

"Nothing bad, it's for a surprise," Stan assured them.

"No blindfolds," said Violet.

"Sorry, but after all we've been through we have trust issues," said Klaus.

"All right, if you insist on spoilin' the surprise. It's the first day of fishing season, and we're gonna go to Gravity Falls Lake," said Stan.

* * *

"You're gonna love it!" said Stan. "The whole town's out here."

The Baudelaires looked out on the lake and saw a wild assortment of bizarre activities. Lazy Susan was trying to coax fish to jump into her frying pan. Toby Determined took a flash picture of a man with a fish, causing the man to fall backwards into the lake. Manly Dan was punching out a fish in front of his sons, while Tyler the biker cheered him on.

"Panda!" said Sunny, meaning that it was a pandemonium, a word which here means a wild assortment of bizarre activities.

"That's some quality family bonding!" said Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, why do you want to bond with us all of a sudden?" asked Klaus, still a little suspicious.

"Come on, this is gonna be great! I've never had fishing buddies before. The guys from the lodge won't go with me: they don't 'like' or 'trust' me," said Stan, making air quotes around the words.

"All right, we will fish with you," said Violet in a subdued voice.

"Great," said Stan. "I know what will cheer you sad sacks up. Have some family fishing hats I hand-stitched myself."

He gave them hats with the words, "CLAUS", "VIOLET", and "SONNY" sloppily sewn on. The "T" fell off Violet's hat, leaving "VIOLE."

Stan said, "It's just gonna be you, me, and those goofy hats on a boat for ten hours!"

"Ten hours?" asked Klaus.

"I brought the joke book!" said Stan, holding up a book entitle, "1001 Yuk 'Em Ups."

"Maybe instead you could tell us more about our grandmother, your sister," said Violet.

As they walked up to the dock to find Stan's boat, a wild-eyed man with a long white beard came running up.

"I seen it! I seen it again! The Gravity Falls Gobblewonker! Come quick before it scramdoodles away!" said the old man, crashing into people before breaking into a wild dance.

"Who is that?" Violet asked Stan.

"Old Man McGucket, the town kook," said Stan. "And that guy coming up to spray him is his son, Tate.'"

Tate, a middle-aged man with a baseball cap over his eyes, sprayed McGucket with a bottle of water, as if he were a misbehaving cat.

"Hey, hey! Now what did I tell you about scaring my customers? This is your last warning, Dad!"

"But I got proof this time, by gummity!" said McGucket, pointing to a wrecked boat at the dock. Behold! It's the Gobble-de-wonker what done did it! It had a long neck like a gee-raffe! And wrinkly skin like...like this gentleman right here!"

He pointed to Stan, who said "Huh?"

"It chawed my boat up to smitheroons, and shim-shammed over to Scuttlebutt Island! You gotta believe me!"

Sheriff Blubs was there, and he said, "Attention all units! We got ourselves a crazy old man!"

The Baudelaires didn't laugh; they didn't find Blubs and Durland amusing. Tate didn't laugh either. He shook his head in shame at his father's antics.

McGucket walked off saying, "Aw, donkey spittle! Aw, banjo polish!"

"Well, that happened. Now let's untie this boat and get out on that lake!" said Stan, untying his rowboat, the "Stan O' War."

As they prepared to cast off, Soos pulled up to the dock in a larger boat.

"Hey, Mr. Pines," called Soos. "Remember you told me to look for ways to make extra money? Look at what I found in the Wacky News today."

Soos opened the paper and showed them a "Monster Photo Contest."

"It has a prize of one thousand dollars!"

Stan said, "Kids! Change of plans: we're taking the boat to Scuttlebutt Island, and we're gonna find that Gobblewonker!"

"Monster hunt! Monster hunt!" yelled Soos.

McGucket moved in and also yelled "Monster hunt!"

The Baudelaires stared at him.

"Monster... Eh... I'll go," said McGucket.

Violet said, "You realize it's probably just his imagination, right Grunkle Stan?"

"There's not really a Gobblewonker in the lake," said Klaus.

"Bogoose!" said Sunny.

Stan lowered his voice and said, "Yeah, but if we go and pretend to find something, I fake up a photo for the contest and win the grand prize. A prize of one grand, that is. Heh."

Soos said, "Dudes, you could totally use my boat for your hunt. It's got a steering wheel, chairs; normal boat stuff."

"You're on," said Stan. "We can get around faster that way."

"I just thought of something," said Klaus. "What if it's Count Olaf?"

"How?" asked Violet.

"He could have a submarine shaped like a sea monster," said Klaus. "Maybe he tested it out by wrecking Old Man McGucket's boat."

"Precd," said Sunny, which meant, "He's never done anything like that before."

"Maybe... it's possible," said Violet. "There's nothing evil he wouldn't do."

"I really doubt he has a submarine," said Stan. "But if he does show up again I'll handle him. Let's go."


	7. The Gruesome Gobblewonker, Chapter 2

The Baudelaires were about to head out in Soos' boat to Skuttlebutt Island.

"Let's go," said Stan.

"After we get sun screen," said Violet.

"Coptone!" said Sunny, which meant, "I am susceptible to sunburn."

"And instant cameras," said Klaus.

"What do we need cameras for?" asked Stan. "It's not like we're really going to take pictures of a monster."

"But you will need realistic natural backgrounds for your fake pictures, right?" asked Violet.

"I'll help you PhotoBop them," said Soos. "I'm pretty good with computer special effects."

* * *

They got back on the boat, with the sunscreen and seventeen disposable cameras. Stan was carrying a large barrel.

"What's that, Grunkle Stan?" asked Klaus.

"I found this barrel of fish food sitting behind the store, unguar... I mean, available extra cheap. We can use it for bait when we get back to fishing," said Stan.

"Permission to taste, Mr. Pines?" asked Soos.

"Permission granted," said Stan.

Soos grabbed a piece of chum from the barrel and put it in his mouth, then gagged and spit over the side. He rubbed his tongue, trying to get the taste off.

"Dude, I don't know what I expected that to taste like," said Soos.

The boat drifted through the fog toward the island. Stan was driving the boat.

"Klaus, you need to be a lookout," said Violet. "I think Stan is going too fast for the foggy conditons."

"I will. Look out, Grunkle Stan!" Klaus said, suddenly spotting the beach ahead.

It was a moment too late. The boat ran aground on the beach.

"We made it, anyway," said Stan. "Come on."

Violet got off the boat, carrying Sunny in her arms. The others jumped out and they began walking along the mist-covered trail. They came to a sign saying "Scuttlebutt Island."

Soos covered the first part with his arm. "Hey look, Butt Island."

"Sorry, I don't find that very humorous," said Violet.

"I do," said Stan. "You kids need to lighten up."

"Breft," said Sunny, which meant, "Don't expect humor from kids who have recently lost their parents."

"Did you hear a strange sound just now?" asked Klaus.

"It's not my stomach. That usually makes whale noises," said Soos. "Listen."

Sunny leaned over and listened. "Mjesstk".

While they were distracted, a possum ran off with their lantern.

"I can't see anything," Klaus complained.

Soos said, "Dudes, maybe this isn't worth it."

"It's worth it," said Stan. "Just think of that thousand dollars I'm going to win."

"Give me a few minutes and I'll make a torch for us," Violet suggested.

"Let's keep going," said Stan. "The fog will lift soon and we won't need a light."

They set off toward the other end of the island. They heard a strange noise and a flock of birds took off into the sky.

"This is it," said Stan. "Get your cameras ready for some good background shots for my fake pictures."

They saw a mist-shrouded outline that looked like the sea monster ahead, but when they ran closer it turned out to be a bunch of old barrels with a clan of beavers chewing on it.

Soos was delighted and took many pictures of the beavers. The others were disappointed.

"What was that noise, then? I heard an engine noise," said Klaus. "It might be Count Olaf in a submarine."

They looked over and saw one of the beavers was playing with an old chainsaw, which was making a growling noise.

"Maybe that old man damaged his own boat," said Violet.

"Exentrk," said Sunny, which meant, "He wasn't a reliable witness."

"Like, we got to see some animals, anyway," said Soos. "I love beavers."

"Let's back up and get those shadows that looked like a sea monster," said Stan. "With a little work that will be perfect for the contest."

Then they heard a splash, and a huge shape headed their way.

"That shadow looks even better," said Stan, aiming his camera as the others backed away.

"Graaaagh!" growled the Gobblewonker, snapping at him.

"Run!" shouted Soos, scooping up Violet, Sunny, and Klaus with great upper-body strength.

Stan turned and ran also. They rushed down the trail, with the sea serpent slithering behind them and pushing trees out of its way as it went.

They jumped back into the boat. Soos got it going, but the monster still pursued them. Stan tried to take a picture, but the lens in his camera was cracked.

Soos was going to throw the rest of the cameras at the monster, but Violet stopped him.

"Wait, Soos," said Violet. "Keep us ahead of the monster for a minute while I make an invention from these."

They were chased all over the lake. When they crashed through the beaver barrels, the boat became full of the animals, chewing on everything they could. One grabbed Soos by the face. Sunny grabbed beavers and bit them back. Stan, Soos, and Klaus got busy pulling off beavers and throwing them back into the water while Violet steered with one hand and worked on her device with the other . When they finally got all the beavers clear, they were headed for the Gravity Falls waterfall and it looked like they were going to be cornered by the monster.

"Head for the waterfall! There might be a cave under it," said Klaus. "I read that in... a book somewhere."

"Might be?" asked Violet. "We can't take that chance. Here, take my invention, aim it at the monster's face, and push the button."

Klaus took the device, which had all the flashes from the instant camera wired together with all the batteries.

FLASH! It went off with a blinding light right in the monster's eyes.

Violet swerved the boat away from the waterfall at the last instant, but the blinded Gobblewonker headed straight in and crashed.

"We got it!" said Stan. "Let's go back and get some pictures. I still have one camera left under my fishing hat."

Violet piloted the boat up to the waterfall. They found there was indeed a hidden cave. The Gobblewonker had gotten stuck in the narrow entrance. Its head and most of its body were inside, blocking the way in.

The head could not be seen, but Stan took some pictures of the back end of it anyway.

Klaus approached the beast and rapped on its side. "As I suspected, it's a submarine. Olaf may be in there."

"I'll give him another knuckle sandwich," said Stan, rolling up his sleeves.

A hunched, bearded old man popped out of a hatch at the top of the monster. He saw them looking at him. "Oh, banjo polish!"

"Old Man McGucket?" said everyone in a surprised chorus.

"I just wanted attention. And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids... Now, why did I say that?"

He told his story, and it turned out McGucket had built giant robots before when he had grievances with people.

"I hoped to catch my son's fancy with a fifteen-ton aquatic robot," said McGucket. "In retrospect it seems a bit contrived. Us old-timers will do most anything for a little quality time with our family."

"Did you ever talk to your son about how you felt, Mr. McGucket?" asked Violet.

"Nope, just got straight to work on the robot. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to fix up my death ray," said McGucket, going back into his robot.

"Well, so much for the photo contest," said Klaus.

"Whaddya mean?" asked Stan. "These tail shots look fine from a distance."

"We don't want to get a lonely old man in trouble," said Soos.

"Says who?" said Stan. "Anyhow, we got our monster hunt done. Time to go back and get in a few hours of fishing."

"All right," said Violet with a sigh, turning the boat around to head back to the dock.

Stan felt in his pockets. "Hey, I lost my book of Yuck-It-Ups."

"You could still tell us about our grandmother," said Violet.

"All right, if you want. Sherman and Shermaine were twins, my two older siblings," said Stan.

"Twins with almost the same name?" asked Klaus. "That's odd."

"It happens more often than you might think," said Stan. "If a family doesn't have much imagination."

"Pathy," said Sunny, meaning "That's sad."

"Shermie married a guy named Quimby and had two daughters, Ramona and Beatrice," said Stan.

"And Beatrice married Bertrand Baudelaire," said Violet. "Our parents."

"Right," said Stan.

"What else can you tell us about Grandma Shermie?" asked Violet.

"There was a mysterious secret society she got involved with," said Stan. "The same one my old man was in, the Royal Order of the Holy Mackerel. Also known as the Venerated Fish Delegation..."

The kids had a good time fishing with Stan that afternoon. There was enough of a roll of film left to take several family pictures.

* * *

Count Olaf piloted the octopus-shaped submarine (which he had stolen from the V.F.D.) under the small boat. He was ready to surface and capture the orphans when there was a sudden crunch.

The real Gobblewonker had grabbed a couple of the long "arms" of the submarine in its mouth and bitten them off.

With water gushing in, Olaf was forced to make a hasty retreat.

"I'll get you next time, Baudelaires!"

* * *

Stan submitted his Gobblewonker photos, but they didn't win. The judges called them obvious fakes, given Stan's reputation for chicanery. The prize went to Deputy Durland, who entered a UFO picture. The UFO in question looked suspiciously like his hat hung from a string.


	8. The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 1

The Baudelaires were sitting on a faded yellow armchair in the living room of the Mystery Shack, watching "Ducktective" on the TV.

There was a crime scene where a man's legs could be seen sticking out of a telephone booth.

The Constable said, "I'm afraid your services won't be required here, sir. My men have examined the evidence, and this is obviously an accident."

Ducktective quacked, with a caption that read, "An accident, constable? Or is it... murder?"

The show cut to a commercial.

Violet said, "It seems like the writers are deliberately making the police look foolish so that the duck will appear to be a genius by contrast. It's not very realistic."

Klaus said, "I don't know. In our own experience, we had to solve several cases for foolish adults. Like the supposed death by snakebite of Uncle Monty, or the fake suicide note of Aunt Josephine."

"Caneerd!" said Sunny, which meant, "We're the real Ducktectives around here."

Soos came running in. "Hey, dudes, you'll never guess what I found!"

"Treasure?" asked Klaus.

Soos gestured for them to follow, and they went down a dark, sloping hall to a door which had been covered with wallpaper.

"So, I was cleaning up, when I found this secret door, hidden behind the wallpaper. It's crazy bonkers creepy!"

Soos handed a flashlight to Violet, who shined it around the room. There were figures of Richard Nixon, Shakespeare, Coolio, and many others.

"It's a wax museum," said Violet.

"They must have been here a long time," said Klaus.

Sunny touched the figure of Sherlock Holmes. "Elmentry," she said, which meant, "They're very realistic, except that Holmes is a fictional character."

"This one doesn't seem very real," said Violet, shining the light on the figure of a bent old man.

The figure turned around suddenly and said, "Hello!"

Everyone screamed in surprise.

"It's just me, your Grunkle Stan!" said Stan with a chuckle.

They all screamed again, and Soos ran away.

"What's the matter now?" asked Stan.

"We're afraid you've gone crazy," said Violet. "Sneaking in here and hiding in the dark, standing still and posing as a waxwork in hopes of scaring us."

"Just a little fun, is all," said Stan.

"It's all right," said Klaus.

"Goofuss," said Sunny, which meant "Typical Grunkle Stan. We should have expected it of you."

Stan turned on a light. "Behold the Gravity Falls Wax Museum! It was one of our most popular attractions... before I forgot all about it. I got 'em all! Genghis Khan, Sherlock Holmes, some kind of, I don't know, goblin man?"

(The last was a wax figure of Larry King.)

The Baudelaires found the room rather creepy, but they didn't say anything.

Stan said, "And now for my personal favorite: Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over-" he stopped, looking at a wax blob which had melted in the sunlight from a window. "Oh! Oh no! Come on, who left the blinds open? Wax John Wilkes Booth, I'm looking in your direction! How do you fix a wax figure?"

"I'm afraid none of us are wax sculptors," said Violet.

"Never mind," said Stan. "Soos! Come and shut this room back up again. I'm not ready to try the wax museum again, especially without a replacement for Lincoln."

Stan went back to the gift shop. Violet helped Soos seal up the room. Sunny licked and replaced the wallpaper as best she could. Klaus examined the hallway.

"It's strange how much larger this place seems from the inside," said Klaus. "Violet, do you think you could make a diagram of the floor plan?"

"I think so," said Violet. "This hall slopes down a bit. I believe this room is below ground level, with just a bit of window showing from under the sloping sides of the Mystery Shack."

Sunny crawled down the hall and pushed at a large wooden bookcase.

"Do you think there's something behind there too, Sunny?" asked Soos. He pulled the bookcase away from the wall, revealing a hidden door. "Mystery door! This old Shack is full of weird secrets."

The Baudelaires and Soos went in. The room had a sky-blue shag carpet on the floor, a sofa with a pull-out bed on one side, and a bathroom on the other. In the back, a prism on top of a bookshelf cast a rainbow on the wall.

"This is a really nice room," said Violet.

"It could be a bedroom," said Klaus. "Maybe we could use this instead of the splintery attic?"

"Askstan?" said Sunny.

They went to talk to Stan about it, and he didn't seem to happy at first. "Another room I gotta clean up."

He checked out the room with them, and Violet noticed that he pocketed a spare pair of glasses from a side table.

"This solves our bedroom problem," said Stan at last.

"You mean, we can use this as our bedroom now?" asked Klaus.

"No, you stay in the attic. This means there's room for your cousins to visit for the summer. I had to turn them away when you guys got placed here."

"Cousins?" asked Violet.

"Yeah, your second cousins, Dipper and Mabel Pines."


	9. The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 2

Grunkle Stan told the Baudelaires, "Your cousins are comin' in on the Speedy Beaver bus in an hour. I want you to greet 'em and help 'em get settled in."

Violet said, "We'd be glad to, but don't you want to meet them yourself?"

"I'm gonna be busy. The Mystery Shack doesn't make dough by itself, ya know."

"Skooge," said Sunny, which meant, "I dislike how you put making money over familial affection."

The Baudelaires walked out to the bus stop and waited.

"I hope they'll be friendly, like Duncan and Isadora," said Klaus.

"I wonder how those two are doing," said Violet. "Last we knew, they were still in Olaf's evil clutches."

"Too bad we didn't figure out in time that they were in the Red Herring instead of the box of Very Fancy Doilies at the auction," said Klaus.

"Hoodin," said Sunny, which meant, "Maybe they managed to escape by now."

"I hope so," said Violet with a sigh.

The Speedy Beaver pulled in and two children about Klaus' age got out. Both had shaggy brown hair, but the girl's hair was down to her waist.

"Yay, we're here!" said the girl.

"Is this the home of Stanford Pines?" asked the boy. "We're staying with him for the summer, but this looks more like a tourist trap."

"It's both his home and a tourist trap," said Klaus. "Welcome to the Mystery Shack."

"Look at all the cool grass. I'm going to roll in it," said the girl, and she promptly did.

"I'm Violet Baudelaire, this is my brother Klaus, and my little sister Sunny."

"Meecha!" said Sunny with a toothy smile.

"I'm Dipper Pines, and this is my sister Mabel. She tends to look on the bright side of things. I'm the serious one."

"We're your second cousins," said Violet.

Mabel jumped up and threw her bright sweater-clad arms around them one after another. "Hiya cousins! This is going to be so much fun! Two kids our own age to play with, and a baby cutie."

"Goosh!" said Sunny in reaction to the tight hug.

"Are you staying here for the summer, too?" asked Dipper.

"Longer," said Klaus. "A little less than four years. Mr. Pines is our guardian."

"Longer only if we're a lot luckier than we've been in the last six places we stayed," said Violet.

"What? What happened in all those places?" asked Mabel.

"A whole series of unfortunate events," said Klaus. "A terrible villain is after us, named Count Olaf. You'll have to watch out for him, too."

"We're not afraid!" said Mabel. "He'd better not show his face around here."

"He already has. He's a master of disguise, but we can always spot him," said Violet.

"We'll spot him for sure," said Mabel. "And clobber him!"

"Sikes!" said Sunny, which meant, "He's an extremely dangerous criminal."

"Sounds like an interesting case to investigate," said Dipper. "I like detective stories, but I've never had one in real life."

"You like to read? So do I," said Klaus.

"Do you like the Sibling Brothers?" asked Dipper. "I'm reading _The Case of the Caper-Case Caper_ now."

"My favorite mystery is by Gaston Leroux. _Le Mystere de la Chambre Jaune_ ," said Klaus.

"Oh yeah, that's... a good one," said Dipper uncertainly.

"Dipper, don't pretend to be smarter than you are," said Mabel. "You have no idea what he just said in Spanish."

"Klaus, don't show off. Please forgive my brother, Dipper," said Violet.

"It's all right," said Dipper, giving her a charming smile and getting a small smile in return.

"Vmoose," said Sunny, which meant, "It's time to show them their rooms."

As they headed back to the house, they passed a pine tree. Someone jumped out from behind it, wearing a green monster mask. "Boo!"

Mabel yelled, "It's Count Olaf!" She charged, going for a head-butt.

"Not!" Sunny cried.

"Stop Mabel, that's Stan!" said Violet.

Mabel barely skidded to a stop in time.

Stan removed the mask and laughed, slapping his knee. He laughed so hard he started to cough, and he had to pound his chest to stop. "Hah! It was worth it for the look on your faces."

"Hi, Great-Uncle Stan," said Mabel.

"Call me Grunkle Stan, kids," said Stan. "Short for Great-Uncle, ya know."

"I was wondering when we'd meet you," said Dipper.

"I pretended I was too busy and sent these guys, just so I could pull off that boo," said Stan with a chuckle, leading them all inside, through the gift shop.

Mabel reached for a large eyeball. "Ooh!"

Stan warded her off with his eight-ball-headed cane. "No touching the merchandise."

He hustled them all through the door marked "Employees Only" and down a hall toward the back of the house. "Your room's down here, kids, past the sealed-off wax museum room."

"Woah, a wax museum? I've gotta see this!" said Mabel.

"I sealed it off," said Stan. "One of my best wax figures, the Abraham Lincoln, got melted and I don't have the heart to show them anymore."

"Don't worry, Grunkle Stan. I'll make you a new wax figure from the old wax!" said Mabel.

"You really think you can make one of those puppies?" asked Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, I'm an arts and crafts master. Why do you think I always have this glue gun stuck to my arm? " asked Mabel. She lifted her arm, showing a glue gun stuck to her sweater.

"How did she do that?" Violet whispered to Dipper. "I didn't notice that on her until just now."

"She's kind of unpredictable that way," Dipper whispered back.

"I like your gumption, kid!" said Stan.

"I don't know what that word means, but thank you!" said Mabel.

"Soos!" Stan called, "We're opening up the wax figure room again. Mabel's gonna make me a new man!"

"Or maybe a part fairy princess, and part horse fairy princess!" said Mabel.

Soos came up, "If you don't mind, I think Mr. Pines should stay a man."


	10. The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 3

Later, the Baudelaires checked in on Mabel in her workroom and found she had made a realistic replica of Grunkle Stan. Soos and Dipper were also there.

"Very impressive," said Violet.

"I concur," said Klaus.

"Greepy!" said Sunny.

Mabel said, "I think... it needs more glitter."

"Agreed," said Soos, giving Mabel a bucket of glitter to throw over the figure.

Stan walked in. "I found my pants but now I'm missing my..."

He saw Wax Stan, yelled, and fell over backwards. In a moment he was back on his feet with a grin.

"What do you think?" asked Mabel.

"I think... the Wax Museum's back in business!" said Stan.

* * *

They all helped with the grand re-opening of the Wax Museum. Violet invented a set of extensible grippers to help put up banners. Klaus distributed fliers. Soos acted as a guide to arrivals. Dipper worked the ticket table with Wendy, and Sunny was there to punch tickets with her teeth.

Dipper said, "I can't believe this many people showed up."

"I know, right? Your uncle probably bribed them or something," said Wendy.

Dipper said, "He bribed me," and held up a dollar.

Wendy held up another dollar and they both laughed.

Sunny frowned and said, "Titewid!" meaning, "Stan was stingy and considered me too young to bribe."

Stan stood on the stage with a microphone, with a covered figure beside him.

"You all know me, folks! Town darling, 'Mr. Mystery.' Please, ladies, control yourselves!" said Stan at the mike.

The women in the audience did not appear to be impressed.

"As you know, I always bring the people of this fair town novelties and befuddlements, the likes of which the world, has never known. But enough about me. Behold... me!" said Stan, uncovering Wax Stan.

Soos made fanfare and cheering sounds on his keyboard. Two people in the audience clapped and someone coughed.

Stan said, "And now a word from our own Mabelangelo!"

"It's Mabel," said Mabel, taking the mike. "Thank you for coming! I made this sculpture with my own two hands! It's covered in my blood, sweat, tears, and other fluids!"

The audience made disgusted sounds.

Mabel said, "Yeah. I will now take questions! You there!"

"Old Man McGucket, local kook. Are the wax figures alive? And follow-up question, can I survive the wax-man uprising?"

Mabel said, "Um...Yes! Next question!"

"Toby Determined, Gravity Falls Gossiper. Do you really think this constitutes a wonder of the world?"

"Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby," said Stan.

"It certainly is," said Toby sadly, putting down the baster he held in his left hand.

"Next question," said Stan.

"Shandra Jimenez, a real reporter. Your fliers promised free pizza with admission to this event. Is this true?"

The audience began to murmur and complain about the lack of pizza, which was clearly promised on the fliers.

"That was a typo. Good night, everyone!" said Stan, throwing a smoke bomb to escape with the admissions money.

"Oh-oh." said Klaus, regretting that he had helped distribute false advertising.

Everyone left unhappy.

A large, bearded man with a t-shirt reading "Free Pizza" left, looking sad.

Manly Dan the lumberjack punched a pole. "In your face!"

"I think that went well," said Mabel.

* * *

Later in the Mystery Shack, Stan was counting the money.

"Hot pumpkin pie! Look at all this cash! And I owe it all to one person, this guy!" said Stan, pointing to Wax Stan.

Mabel gave him a playful punch.

"Ooh!" said Stan, giving her a noogie. "Yeah, you too, ya little gremlin. Now you kids wash up. We got another long day of fleecing rubes tomorrow. Go, go!"

The Baudelaires were just settling down for the night when they heard a scream. "No... No... Noooooo!"

They ran to Stan, and so did Dipper and Mabel.

"Wax Stan!" said Stan. "He's been... m-murdered!"

Wax Stan lay on the floor, decapitated (a word which here means "with his head cut off").

Mabel fainted.

* * *

Stan tried to explain the situation to Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.

"Don't count on them for anything," Violet whispered to Dipper and Mabel. "They really messed up when we were accused of counterfeiting."

"I got up to use the john, right?" said Stan. "And when I come back, blammo! He's headless!"

"My expert handcrafting... besmirched. Besmiiiirrrched!" said Mabel, crying.

"Who would do something like this?" asked Dipper.

"What's your opinion, Sheriff Blubs?" said Durland.

"Look, we'd love to help you folks, but let's face the facts... this case is unsolvable," said Blubs.

"What?!" cried Dipper, Mabel and Stan.

The Baudelaires just looked on calmly, since they had expected this.

"You take that back, Sheriff Blubs!" said Stan.

"You're kidding, right? There must be evidence, motives. You know, I could help if you want," said Dipper.

"He's really good. He figured out who was eating our tin cans!" said Mabel.

"All signs pointed to the goat," said Dipper.

"Yeah, yeah! Let the boy help. He's got a little brain up in his head," said Stan. "My grand-niece Violet and grand-nephew Klaus are pretty sharp, too."

"Meetoo!" said Sunny, showing her teeth.

"Oooh! Would you look at what we got here! City boys and girls think they're gonna solve a mystery with their fancy computer phones!" said Blubs.

"City boooy! City booooooy!" mocked Durland.

"You are adorable!" said Blubs.

"Adorable?" aked Dipper, turning red.

Blubs and Durland laughed at him.

"Look, P.J.'s, how about you leave the investigating to the grown-ups, okay?" said Blubs.

"Attention, all units. Steve is about to fit an entire cantaloupe in his mouth. Repeat, an entire cantaloupe!" said a voice on Blub's walkie-talkie.

"It's a 23-16!" said Durland.

"Let's move!" said Blubs.

Blubs and Durland ran off, still laughing.

"Keestone," said Sunny, which meant, "We told you the police would be useless."

"That's it! Mabel, Violet, Klaus, and Sunny, we are going to find the jerk who did this, and get back that head. Then we'll see who's adorable," said Dipper, sneezing.

"Aww, you sneeze like a kitten!" said Mabel, earning a glare from Dipper.

* * *

After a restless night, the children gathered again at the crime scene.

"Wax Stan has lost his head and its up to us to find it," said Dipper.

Mabel took pictures. Klaus took notes. Violet made sketches. Sunny made angry bite marks on the chair.

"There were a lot of unhappy customers at the unveiling. The murderer could have been anyone," said Dipper.

"Yeah! Even us!" said Mabel.

"There's another possibility," said Klaus. "Count Olaf. He murdered some of our guardians before. What if he mistook Wax Stan for the real one in the dark?"

"I doubt anyone would make that mistake," said Dipper.

"Bite your tongue, bro-bro," said Mabel. "I made a perfect likeness."

"Except for the glitter," said Dipper. "But anything is possible in this town, even zombies, if that journal you showed me is true, Klaus."

"We ran into some ghastly gnomes," said Violet with a shudder. "They tried to kidnap me."

"Couldn't they have just been a gang of midget kidnappers?" asked Mabel.

"Rainbarf," said Sunny, which meant, "It takes supernatural powers to vomit a rainbow."

"I guess we just have to keep an open mind, and start looking. It could be months before we find our first clue," said Dipper.

"Hey, look! A clue," said Mabel, pointing down.

"Footprints in the shag carpet!" said Dipper.

"That's weird. They've got a hole in them," said Mabel.

"A very round hole," said Violet, making a sketch of the print.

"And they're leading to..." said Dipper, finding an ax on the floor.

"Dessim?" asked Sunny, meaning, "How did everyone miss that until now?"

Violet examined it. "I know tools from my inventing work. The pattern of wear on the handle indicates that this ax belonged to a left-handed person."

Klaus said, "That's a valuable clue. I've read that only ten percent of the population is left-handed."

"Notlaf," said Sunny, meaning, "Count Olaf isn't one of them."

"True," said Violet. "I should know, because I was there when he signed a paper. I noticed Olaf was right-handed like me, though I used my left hand to sign in order to beat his evil scheme."

"That's fascinating," said Dipper. "I'd like to hear more about that later."

"Back to the mystery! We'll just check everyone who was at the opening and see who's left-handed!" said Mabel. "That should eliminate a bunch of suspects."

* * *

They took the ax into the gift shop to show Soos, and told him what they were about to do.

"So, what do you think?" asked Dipper.

"In my opinion: this is an ax," said Soos.

"Wait a minute. The lumberjack!" said Mabel.

"He would be the most likely use an ax as a weapon," said Klaus.

"He punched the pole at the opening with his right hand, but held his ax in the left," remembered Violet.

"He was furious when he didn't get that free pizza," said Dipper.

"Furious enough for murder!" said Mabel.

"Oh, you mean Manly Dan. Yeah, he hangs out at this crazy intense biker joint downtown," said Soos.

"Then that's where we're going," said Mabel.

"Dude, this is awesome. You all are like: The Mystery Gang!" said Soos.

"Don't call us that," said Dipper.

"Mystery Incorporated?" suggested Soos.

"I think that name is taken," said Violet.

Outside, they found Stan pulling a coffin out of his car.

"Hey, give me a hand with this coffin, will ya? I'm doin' a memorial service for wax Stan. Something small, but classy," said Stan.

"Sorry, Grunkle Stan, but we have got a big break in the case!" said Dipper.

"Break in the case!" said Mabel.

"We're heading to the town right now to interrogate the murderer," said Dipper.

"We have an ax!" said Mabel. She held it up and made sounds likes the screeching violins in the murder scene of _Psycho_ , "REE REE REE REE!"

"Hmm, it seem like the kind of thing that responsible parents wouldn't want you to do... Good thing I'm an uncle. Avenge me kids!" said Stan.

"You're in loco parentis for us Baudelaires," Klaus protested.

"Yeah, this wax murder makes me a bit loco, so go on and avenge me! AVENGE MEEE!"


	11. The Wicked Waxworks, Chapter 4

Dipper, Mabel, and the Baudelaires sneaked behind a dumpster near the biker bar called "Skull Fracture."

"This is the place. Got the fake IDs?" Dipper asked Mabel.

Mabel showed IDs with glued-on macaroni pieces, fake drawn-on mustaches, googly eyes, with the names "Sir Dippingsauce" and "Lady Mabelton."

"Give me a minute and I'll make one for you, Princess Violetvere," said Mabel.

"Not for us, thanks," said Violet. "We had too much trouble last time we got arrested in this town."

"Capsham," said Sunny, which meant, "These are worse than the fake cards Olaf uses."

"We'll wait while you investigate," said Klaus, "If you need to run we'll help you escape."

"No worries, we got this," said Mabel.

"All right, here goes nothing," said Dipper, as he and Mabel headed toward the tough-looking bouncer with the tattoos "Head" and "Chin" on his face.

They were admitted surprisingly easily, though a grizzled miner in line just before them was turned away.

A few minutes later the twins came back out.

"I met a nice biker and told his fortune with a cootie catcher," said Mabel. "His wife is gonna be beautiful."

"Manly Dan is cleared," said Dipper. "He confirmed it's a left-handed axe, and he says he's right-handed."

"He could be ambidextrous," suggested Klaus.

"He also has an alibi," said Dipper. "He punched that clock pole over there and stopped it at 10:00pm, the time of the murder."

"All right, let's divide up the list of suspects and see if we can find out which ones are left-handed," said Violet.

After spending the afternoon waving to people, tossing balls to them, and getting them to sign for non-existent packages, they regrouped.

"There's only one person left on this list." said Dipper.

"Of course, it all adds up!" said Mabel.

"Clakent!" said Sunny, which meant, "Who would suspect a reporter?"

* * *

They persuaded Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland to raid the Gravity Falls Gossiper.

"You kids better be right about this or you'll never hear the end of it." said Blubs.

"The evidence is irrefutable." said Dipper.

"It's so irrefutable." said Mabel.

"Highly likely, at any rate," said Violet.

"I gonna get to use my match stick!" said Durland.

"You ready? You ready little fella?" said Blubs.

"Woo, woo!" said Blubs and Durland, playfully poking each other with their police batons.

The police officers smashed their way through the door.

"Nobody move! This is a raid!" said Blubs.

"Aaaahh! What is this? Some kind of raid?" said Toby, falling to the ground.

"Toby Determined, you're under arrest for murder of the wax body of Grunkle Stan," said Dipper.

"You have the right to remain impressed with our awesome detective work," said Mabel, giving Dipper a high five.

"Gobbling goose feathers! I don't understand!" said Toby.

"Then allow me to explain," said Dipper. "You were hoping that Grunkle Stan's new attraction would be the story that saved your failing newspaper. But when the show was a flop, you decided to go out and make your own headline," said Dipper.

Mabel held up a newspaper with the headline, "Wax Attack at Shack." It had a picture of Wax Stan's detached head on the floor.

"But you were sloppy," said Dipper triumphantly, "And all the clues pointed to a shabby-shoed reporter who was caught left handed."

"Toby Determined, you're yesterday's news," said Mabel, crumbling up the newspaper.

"Boy, you're little knees must be sore... from jumping to conclusions," said Toby, dancing a little jig. "Ha-cha-cha! I had nothing to do with that murder."

"Then where were you at the night of the break-in?" asked Blubs.

Toby provided his alibi, a videotape of him kissing a cardboard cutout of Shandra Jimenez. Everyone gasped in disgust.

"Time-stamp confirmed. Toby, you're off the hook. You freak of nature," said Blubs.

"Hooray!" said Toby.

"Not so fast," said Violet. She picked up the crumpled newspaper that Violet had tossed to the floor, and unfolded the image of the detached head. "I know how to fake time-stamps on a videotape; it's not that difficult to reset the internal clock. But look at this photograph."

"I see," said Klaus. "The head wasn't left by the body. The picture could only have been taken by someone right after the decapitation, or someone who took the head away with him and staged a picture later."

"You're in for it now, Toby," said Durland, waving his nightstick menacingly.

"B-but, that photo was emailed to me," said Toby. "I still have the message on my computer."

He opened his laptop and showed them the email.

"Case closed," said Blubs.

"But, but it has to be him! Check the ax for fingerprints!" said Dipper.

"No prints at all." said Blubs, after a cursory glance.

"No prints?" said Dipper.

"Hey I got a headline for you: 'City Kids Waste Everyone's Time." said the deputy.

The adults all laughed at the kids.

"Boy, I'd be pretty embarrassed if I was you five," said Toby, as the video of him kissing the cardboard cutout continued to play in background.

The kids headed home, with the twins looking dejected.

"We're a laughingstock now," said Mabel.

"We flopped as detectives," said Dipper.

"Not completely," said Violet. "Did you notice the name on that email? It was Al Funcoot, which is an anagram we've heard before. It's an alias for..."

"Olaf!" said Sunny.

"He may still be hiding nearby, waiting for another chance at Grunkle Stan," said Klaus. "Come on!"

* * *

They found Stan had completed funeral preparations for his wax figure. They took seats in the audience, keeping an eye out for danger but not wanting to disturb Stan at an emotional time. Mabel still carried the ax for extra protection.

All the wax figures were there. In the front row on the left were Queen Elizabeth II, Shakespeare, and Groucho Marx. In the next row were Richard Nixon and Larry King. In the row behind that were John Wilkes Booth and Coolio. Sherlock Holmes was leaned against the door behind everyone, since his grand pose didn't fit well in a chair. On the right side, behind the row where Soos and the kids were seated, were Lizzie Bordon, Edgar Allan Poe, and Robin Hood. Behind them were Genghis Khan and Thomas Edison. It was a full house (of wax).

"Kids, Soos, lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming." said Stan.

Soos blew his nose and sobbed.

"Some people might say it's wrong for a man to love a wax replica of himself." said Stan.

Soos jumped up and shouted, "They're wrong!"

"Easy Soos. Wax Stan, I hope you're picking pockets in wax heaven. I'm sorry, I got glitter in my eye!" said Stan, running away crying.

"Ohhhhh duuuude..." cried Soos, running after him.

Violet nudged Klaus. "We'd better follow them. Dipper and Mabel, we'll yell for you if Olaf attacks."

Violet left the room quickly, stopping only to grab up her gripper extension tool. Klaus followed, carrying Sunny.

Dipper sighed, "I wish we could have solved this. We looked terrible in front of the cops."

"Dipper, we've come so far, we can't give up now." said Mabel. "There may still be clues to help us stop Count Olaf."

"But I considered everything: the weapon, the motive, the clues," said Dipper, looking into the coffin. "Wax Stan shoe has a hole in his shoe..."

"All the wax guys have that. It's where the pole thingy attaches to their stand dealy." said Mabel.

"Wait a minute, what has a hole on its shoe and no fingerprints? Mabel! The murderers are-"

"Standing right behind you." said Wax Sherlock Holmes.

All the wax figures came to life and shuffled forward.

"Wax Sherlock Holmes! Wax Shakespeare! Wax Coolio?" said Dipper.

"Wha s'up Holmes?" said Wax Coolio.

Wax Lizzie Borden grabbed Mabel's ax.

"Ohmygosh! Ohmygosh!" Mabel gasped.

"Congratulations, my two amateur sleuths, you have unburied the truth, and now we're going to bury you." said Wax Holmes. "Bravo, Dipper Pines. You've discovered our little secret. Applaud, everyone, applaud sarcastically," said Wax Holmes, taking the head of Wax Stan from under his cloak.

The wax figures clapped.

"Uh, no that sounds too sincere. Slow clap." said Holmes.

The wax figures clapped more slowly.

"There we go, nice and condescending." said Holmes.

"But... how is this possible? You're made of wax!" said Dipper.

"Are you... magic?" said Mabel.

"Are we magic?" asked Holmes. "She wants to know if we're magic! We're CURSED!"

"Cursed! Cursed!" said the other figures.

"Cursed to come to life whenever the moon is waxing. Your uncle bought us many years ago at a garage sale." said Holmes.

"A haunted garage sale, son!" said Coolio.

Holmes described how they had been "acquired" by Stan, and how they had come to life at night to make mischief. Eventually the wax exhibit has stopped making money and Stan sealed them off into a storage room, with the door covered by wallpaper.

"We've been waiting ten years to get our revenge on Stan for locking us away..." said Holmes. "But we got the wrong guy."

"So, you're trying to murder Grunkle Stan for real?!" said Dipper.

"You were right all along, Dipper! Wax people are creepy!" said Mabel.

"Enough! Now that you know our secret, you must... die." said Holmes.

The wax figures growled and approached the twins.

"What do we do, what do we do?" said Mabel.

"I don't know!" said Dipper.

Dipper and Mabel started thowing things from the funeral refreshment table. Dipper threw a full coffee maker at Genghis Khan. He screamed and melted away.

"That's it! We can melt them with hotty melty things!" said Mabel.

They grabbed electric candles and began a fight for their lives. Most of the figures were easily defeated, but Holmes was the most formidable. He broke Dipper/s candle with a sword. Mabel tossed him a poker from the fireplace, and the duel was on. Dipper kept parrying, retreating to the attic.

"Once your family is out of the way, we'll rule the night once more!" said Holmes.

"Don't count on it!" said Dipper, slipping under his legs and out the window.

"Come back here, you brat!" said Wax Holmes.

Dipper climbed the Mystery Shack sign and Holmes followed. The fight continued, knocking the "S" off the sign.

"You really think you can outwit me boy? I'm Sherlock bleeding Holmes! Have you seen my magnifying glass?! It's enormous!" said Holmes.

John Wilkes Booth moved out from behind a chimney.

"Don't worry, Holmes," Booth said in a thick southern accent. "Ah'm here to help ya take him out."

"I don't need your help," called Holmes in an annoyed voice. "Go and finish off the other kids back there in the house, if you haven't already."

"He hasn't," called Violet Baudelaire, emerging from hiding behind the sign. She extended the grippers, cracking the face of Booth and revealing flesh beneath. "He's not really one of you. He's Count Olaf in disguise!"

"Impostor!" shouted Holmes. "What have you done with our comrade Booth?"

"I destroyed him during the day while all of you were lifeless," said Olaf. "I broke off his face to use as a mask. I wasn't expecting all of you to come to life, but when you did I joined in until I could slip out of the room after the Baudelaires."

"What about the newspaper picture?" asked Violet.

"I didn't get a good look at who attacked Wax Stan, but I snapped a picture of the head on the ground, and sent it to the newspaper to scare the Baudelaire brats."

"We weren't expecting the waxworks to come to life either," said Violet, "But we did see through your disguise. We followed Stan out and hoped to ambush you before you hurt him."

Holmes snarled at Olaf, "You've interfered in our business and you must pay. I'll deal with you first and finish the Pines and Baudelaires later."

"Take care," said Olaf. "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's arson."

Holmes rushed at Olaf with his sword. Olaf produced a cigarette lighter and flicked it on. They fought, with Holmes swinging his sword while Olaf ducked and dodged, trying to score a hit with his flame.

"Now, while they're distracted," said Dipper.

Violet and Dipper rushed the two villains. Slamming into them together, they managed to unbalance the two enough to make them slip and fall off the roof. Violet nearly fell also, but Dipper grabbed her hand and dug in his heels, so they both remained safe.

They looked over the roof and saw the villains below. Holmes had one arm broken off but he still looked ready to fight. Olaf was struggling up with one possibly-broken leg.

"I've coming back up there to kill you," said Holmes. "Any last words?"

"Um... you got any sunscreen?" asked Dipper.

"Got any-? What?" asked Holmes. He turned to see the sun rising. "No!" he cried as he melted.

"You know, letting me lead you outside? Probably not your sharpest decision." said Dipper.

"Outsmarted by children! No! Fiddlesticks! Humbugs! Tiiter, total kerfuffle. Butter hullabaloo."

"Case closed!" said Dipper. He wiped his hands together and the dust made him sneeze.

"Ha ha ha! You sneeze like a kitten! Those policemen were right, you're adorable! Adorable," said Wax Holmes, finally melting away altogether.

"E-ew." said Dipper.

Olaf struggled up. "I'd finish this fight myself, but I'm injured and I have melting wax in my eyes. I'll get you next time, Baudelaires."

Olaf limped off into the forest.

Dipper asked, "Where are your siblings?"

"They went back in to help Mabel, once we realized what was going on with the wax figures," said Violet.

"We make a great team, you and I," said Dipper.

"Maybe we should call ourselves the Mystery Cousins," said Violet with a smile.

"Mystery Cousins. I like the sound of that," said Dipper.


	12. The Precocious Prognosticator, Chapter 1

The wax figure battle was over, but the funeral room was a disaster.

Stan said, “Hot Belgian waffles!! What happened to my parlor?”

“Your wax figures turned out to be evil, so we fought them to the death!” said Mabel.

“I decapitated Larry King,” said Dipper.

Stan laughed. “You kids and your imaginations!”

“It actually happened,” said Klaus. “Count Olaf was here too, disguised as a waxwork.”

“Don't worry,” said Violet. “He won't be bothering us for a while, He fell off the roof.”

Stan chuckled. “Even you Baudelaires are starting to get into Dipper and Mabel's imaginary games.”

“On the bright side, though, look what we found,” said Dipper. He held up the missing head of Wax Stan.

“My head! Ha ha! I missed this guy! You done good kids! Alright, line up for some affectionate noogie-ing.”

“Oh I'm not so sure about that. Is there any other alternative...?” asked Dipper.

“Boolie,” said Sunny, which meant, “Hard head rubs are unpleasant.”

Stan just laughed and proceeded to give them all noogies.

Blubs and Durland drove up outside.

Blubs called through the window, “Solved the case yet, kids? I'm so confident you're gonna say no, that I'm gonna take a long, slow sip from my cup of coffee.”

“Actually, the answer is yes,” said Dipper.

Blubs was startled into a scalding spit-take onto Durland. Some of it went into Durland's mouth, and he spit back. This went back and forth a few times between the two cops. They drove off screaming.

“They got scalded!” said Stan with a laugh.

Dipper and Mabel laughed, and even the Baudelaires joined in.

“So, did you get rid of all the wax figures?” asked Dipper.

“I am ninety-nine percent sure that I did,” said Mabel.

“Sunny and I helped,” said Klaus. “But I think it's only 95.7 percent certain that we got them all.”

“Oddz,” said Sunny, which meant, “More like 45.3 percent.”

“Mabel, I need you to re-attach my head,” said Stan.

“Sure, Grunkle Stan, but let me get on new clothes first,” said Mabel. “I've been so caught up with the wax figure stuff that I've been wearing this same aqua sweater with a strawberry on it for three days in a row. That's no good for a free spirit like me.”

“Okay, everyone can take a break. But after breakfast all of you have to clean up this waxy mess,” said Stan.

* * *

Dipper and Mabel returned from their bedroom to the living room. Mabel had a couple of sweaters on hangers. She set up a full-length mirror against the fish tank and held up the sweaters. One was purple with shiny sequins, and the other was tan with a picture of a llama.

“Hmm. Hey Dipper, which do you think is better? Sequins or llama hair?” asked Mabel.

A voice said, “The llama hair. Llamas are nature's greatest warriors.”

“Thanks, Dipper,” said Mabel.

Dipper, who had been reading a book in the yellow armchair and hardly paying attention, looked up in confusion.

“I'm going to wear my favorite red sweater with the shooting star today, but tomorrow for sure I'll wear the llama one,” said Mabel.

Klaus whispered to Violet, “I think there's something in the ventilation ducts watching us.”

Violet said, “I'll create a vent-crawling robot so that we can hunt it down.” She tied back her hair with a ribbon and began to plan.

* * *

After breakfast, they all pitched in. There were left-over pieces of wax everywhere that needed to be melted. Sunny helped by scraping melted blobs of wax off the floor with her teeth. Mabel gathered up the small blobs in baggies to melt into crayons.

By noon they were finished.

“I'm gonna make us lunch,” said Mabel. “My world famous Peanut Butter and Whatever Else is in the Fridge Sandwiches.”

She returned a few minutes later with a plate of sandwiches. “Here's a peanut butter, strawberry jam, brown meat, and pickle one for you, Violet. Enjoy.”

“Thank you,” said Violet faintly.

“Blarg,” said Sunny.

Mabel handed out equally strange combinations to everyone else. “Now we can eat them by the TV while we watch 'Dream Boy High 2: Craz and Xyler's Bodexcellent Radventure'. I brought a whole set of Dream Boy High DVD's from home.”

As the DVD was loading, there was a familiar voice from the vents. “Coming up next, an exclusive interview with the resident possum.”

Dipper said, “Something is alive in the vents! Mabel, you have to help me go after it!”

“Not me, bro bro. I want to watch Craz and Xyler, and try out my new crayon set. Look, I invented a new color, BLORANGURPLE.”

“I'll help,” said Violet. “I'm working on a vent-crawling robot, and I could use some help equipping it. Do you have a portable video camera we could use for visual feedback?”

“I do!” said Dipper. “I'm planning to make videos I can publish as Dipper's Guide to the Unexplained.”

“I'll help, too,” said Klaus. “I've been reading up on robotic programming.”

“Crazz,” said Sunny, which meant, “I can't do much to help, so I'll stay with Mabel and watch the silly movie.”

* * *

They quickly finished the robot, which had wheels with suction cups made from Nyarf darts, the video camera mounted on top, and even a net to try to capture the monster.

With Dipper navigating and Klaus plotting, they mapped out a maze of corridors in the vents.

“This place really is larger than it looks from the outside,” said Klaus.

"They took me out of Brooklyn, but they couldn't take the Brooklyn out of me,” said a voice they picked up through the video camera's microphone.

“That came from above,” said Violet. “Let's take it up the next shaft. I hope the suction cups will hold.”

The bot reached the top.

"Do blue-eyed people see better?" asked the strange voice.

“There it is, the missing Larry King head!” said Dipper. “Deploying the net!”

"There's nothing funny about the funny bone,” said the head.

The bot charged forward with the net, but the head dodged. It rolled and attacked like a bowling ball. The bot was knocked into a narrow duct.

"Have a great week, everybody! Good night!"

“It's stuck,” said Dipper, desperately wiggling the controls.

“I'll have to make another bot to retrieve that one,” said Violet.

“At least you got some video of the monster,” said Klaus.

“It was so dark I'm not sure anyone would believe we didn't fake it,” said Dipper.

The next day, June 10, around ten in the morning, there was a joyful conversation between Mabel and the disembodied head. She told it about her high hopes for an epic summer romance.

“It has the personality of a talk-show host,” Dipper said to Violet. “The way to tame the thing is to let it interview you.”

* * *

That evening, they all watched an action series called “Tiger Fist.” Soos was also watching.

“The tiger was badly injured in the explosion, but we repaired him with a fist.”

“The tiger's a hero!” said Dipper.

“Tiger Fist! ...will return after these messages.”

Soos said, “Hey, look. It's that commercial I was telling you guys about.”

“Are you completely miserable?” asked a voice with a southern accent.

“YES!” said an actor, crying.

“Then you need to meet... Gideon.”

The screen showed a dramatic silhouette.

“Gideon?” asked Dipper.

“What makes him so special?” asked Violet.

“He's a psychic,” said the voice-over.

“Aah?” asked Mabel.

The voice-over said, “So don't waste your time with any other so-called 'Man of Mystery'.”

The screen showed Stan coming out of an outhouse, with the word "FRAUD” superimposed.

Violet said, “How did they get that picture? Have they been spying on Grunkle Stan?”

“Learn about him tomorrow tonight at Gideon's Tent of Telepathy,” said the voice-over, followed by a high-speed babble of a disclaimer they couldn't understand.

“Wow, I'm getting all curiousy inside!” said Mabel.

Stan walked in. “Well, don't get too curiousy. Ever since that monster Gideon rolled into town, I've had nothin' but trouble.”

“Where is he from?” asked Violet.

“He was born here, but he became big trouble for me after his family took him on a national tour and made him a TV star. The first thing he did was steal my parking space.”

“Well, is he really psychic?” asked Mabel.

“I think we should go and find out,” said Dipper.

“Never!” said Stan. “You're forbidden from patronizing the competition. No one that lives under my roof is allowed under that Gideon's roof!”

“Do tents have roofs?” asked Dipper.

Mabel held up a string with a loop in it. “I think we just found our loophole... literally! Mwop mwop!”

Stan scowled and left the room.

Violet said, “Loophole or not, I don't think we Baudelaires should go.”

“Why not?” asked Dipper.

“You're only here for the summer, but we have to stay for four years. We can't afford to antagonize him,” said Violet.

“All right, Mabel, Soos, and I will go and bring you back a report,” said Dipper. “I'm sure he's harmless.”

Had they but known, Dipper and Mabel would never have visited that psychic. It was most unfortunate that they did.


	13. The Precocious Prognosticator, Chapter 2

Mabel, Dipper, and Soos came back with a report about Gideon for the Baudelaires.

"Hes a complete phony," said Dipper. "A bigger fraud than Stan."

"I don't know," said Mabel. "He guessed my name."

"You changed into a sweater with your name on it before you went out there," said Violet.

"That didn't have to be my name," said Mabel. "I could just as easily put on some random name, like Pippilotta Longstocking."

"Even if you did, Gideon could easily have found out your name. We think they've been monitoring the Mystery Shack," said Klaus. "Like when they took a picture of Grunkle Stan coming out of the outhouse."

"Knowmeny," said Sunny, which meant, "They keep a close eye on their rival business."

"Anyway, it was a super-fun show, with singing and dancing," said Mabel. "His dance moves were adorable."

"It was like a bizarro version of the Mystery Shack. They even have their own Soos," said Dipper.

"He looked almost exactly like me, but his name-tag said 'Deuce'. I got a really bad feeling about him," said Soos.

"Could be Olaf in disguise," Klaus whispered to Violet.

"And Gideon's hair? It was like, whoosh!" said Mabel, gesturing to show a tall pompadour.

"You're too easily impressed," said Dipper.

Mabel brushed it off, saying "Yeah, yeah!"

* * *

Next day at the Mystery Shack. Mabel went up to Dipper, her face covered with sequins. She was finally wearing the llama-fur sweater she had been promising herself to wear.

Mabel said, "Check it out, Dipper! I successfully bezazzled my face! Blink!"

When she blinked, the sequins on her left eyelid flew off. "Ow!"

"Is that permanent?" asked Dipper.

"I'll help you make a sequin glue solvent," offered Violet.

"I'm unappreciated in my time..." said Mabel.

The back doorbell rang.

"Somebody answer that door!" shouted Stan.

Mabel ran to get the door while the others waited. They heard soft conversation, and in a few moments Mabel laughed.

"Who's at the door?" called Stan.

Mabel called back, "No one, Grunkle Stan!"

Violet, concerned that Mabel was hiding something, moved to the door. She saw Mabel in conversation with a short young man with a tall white pompadour hairstyle. It had to be Gideon.

Gideon said, "What do you say we step away from here, and chat a bit more. Perhaps in my dressing room?"

"Oh! Makeovers. Yahoo!" said Mabel, poking Gideon in the stomach.

"Ow," said Gideon. Then he laughed.

"Mabel, would you like me to come with you as a chaperon?" asked Violet.

"Nah, I'm fine," said Mabel.

"I'll be a perfect gentleman," said Gideon. He fingered the turquoise gem on the bolo tie around his neck, and Violet found it hard to disbelieve him.

"Don't tell Stan," said Mabel.

"Not unless I have to," said Violet. "Come back soon."

* * *

Mabel returned to the Mystery Shack with her makeover, which included long fake nails.

"Hey Dipper. What's goin' ooon?" said Mabel, showing her "claws."

"Whoa, where have you been?" asked Dipper. "And what's going on with those fingernails? You look like a wolverine."

"I know, right?" said Mabel. She roared and scratched at the air. "I was hanging out with my new pal, Gideon. He is one dapper little man."

"Mabel, I don't trust anyone who's hair is bigger than their head," said Dipper.

"Oh, leave him alone! I don't have anyone to do girly stuff with. Even Violet. You, she, and Klaus were busy most of yesterday on that robot to chase Larry King's head in the vents."

"There's Sunny," said Dipper.

"Sunny has a mean streak. I tried to knit her a cute green daisy costume with white petals around her face, and when I tried to put it on her she snapped at me."

"Gmpsoot," said Sunny, which meant, "It had no arm or leg holes. I have trust issues with being restrained."

"I can try to do more girly things with you," said Violet. "I prefer inventions, but..."

"Hey dude, you ready to blow up these hot dogs in the microwave one by one?" called Soos.

"Am I!" said Dipper, running off.

"Microwave experiments are fascinating," said Klaus.

"I agree," said Violet.

They both walked off also, and Sunny crawled after them. Popping sounds came from the kitchen as Dipper and Soos chanted "One-at-a-time! One-at-a-time!" and soon the Baudelaires joined in.

Mabel scrubbed off the excess makeup and went out again with Gideon, to see the view from the roof of his warehouse. Although she had some misgiving about it, she let Gideon talk her into a date for that evening.

* * *

Back at the Mystery Shack, Mabel and Dipper were playing a video game.

Mabel said, "It's not a date-date, it's just, you know, I didn't want to hurt his feelings and so I figured I'd throw him a bone."

Dipper said, "Mabel, guys don't work that way. He's gonna fall in love with you."

"Huh! Yeah, right. I'm not that lovable. Kaboom! Yes!" said Mabel as she shot Dipper in the game.

"Okay, we agree on something here," said Dipper.

The doorbell rang. When Mabel went to answer it, a horse burst in. Mabel screamed.

Gideon was on the horse. "A night of enchantment awaits, m'lady!"

"Oh boy," said Mabel without enthusiasm.

* * *

In the Mystery Shack gift shop, Stan was looking at a newspaper article showing a picture of Gideon and Mabel together.

"Hey, hey! What the jackal is Mabel doing in the paper next to that crazy pickpocket Gideon?"

Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stopped their work and came over to look.

Wendy said, "Oh, yeah, it's like a big deal. Everybody's talking about Gideon and Mabel's big date tonight."

Wendy held up a fan magazine with Gideon and Mabel on the cover.

"WHAT?! That little shyster is dating my great niece!?"

Soos said, "I wonder what the new name will be for the power couple. Mabideon? Gideabel Ah! Magidbeleon!"

"I didn't know! I didn't hear about it and plus, I told her not to," said Dipper.

Stan came back into the room, wearing his suit. "Yeah, well it ends tonight. I'm going right down to that little skunk's house; this is gonna stop RIGHT now!"

He slammed the door on the way out of the gift shop.

"Dude, wouldn't it be funny if that was a closet, and he had to come back out again and go out the real door?" said Soos. He checked. "Nope. Real door."

Violet pointed to the picture of Mabel in the paper, holding Gideon's hand. "Dipper, this picture isn't possible. It's a fake!"

"How do you know?" asked Dipper.

"In the picture she's wearing a blank sweater. Mabel doesn't wear blank sweaters. All the time she was with Gideon today she was wearing the llama sweater."

"Gideon must have gotten his picture taken with someone else, and photoshopped Mabel's face into it," said Klaus.

"Ffiction," said Sonny, meaning, "The fan article is fake too. There's been no time for Mabel to give an interview."

"I think Gideon is building up public opinion to pressure Mabel into moving faster than she wants," said Violet. "Where are they having dinner, do you know, Wendy?"

"Yeah, the article says Sebastian's Seafood. They invite whoever wants to come to encourage the happy couple," said Wendy.

"Mabel's getting railroaded by that fake. We've got to get there and put a stop to this!" said Dipper.


	14. The Precocious Prognosticator, Chapter 3

"...and so I said, 'Autograph your own head shot, lady'," said Gideon, laughing loudly at his own joke.

"Yeah..." said Mabel, laughing nervously.

The lobster on Mabel's plate was still alive; it grabbed her fork.

Gideon said, "Mabel, tonight's date was a complete success. And tomorrow's date promises to top this one in every way!"

Mabel said, "Whoa whoa, you said just one date, and this was it."

A bird landed on Gideon's outstretched arm. Mabel screamed and grabbed the lobster.

"Hark! What a surprise! A red crested South American rainbow macaw!"

Gideon began counting aloud. On "four" the bird croaked out, "Mabel! Will you accompany Gideon to the ballroom dance this Thurbday?"

Gideon shook the macaw, and it said "Thursday!" It coughed out an invitation and flew away.

Customers gasped and remarked on the cute scene. A large group gathered around the table.

"Gideon's got a girlfriend," said the Chef.

"They're expectin' us," said Gideon. "Please say you'll go."

Mabel said, "Oh, Gideon, I'm sorry, but I'm gonna have to say..."

"I'm on the edge of my seat," said Sheriff Blubs.

"This is gonna be adorable," said Tyler the biker.

"If she say's no, I'll die from sadness," said an old woman.

"I can verify that that will indeed happen," said a doctor.

Mabel stammered, put on the spot.

"Hold it, Gideon," said Dipper, barging into the restaurant with Violet close behind him.

"Oh. Dipper Pines, how are you? You look good, you look good," said Gideon with a trace of displeasure in his voice.

"Mabel, look at this newspaper photo and this Gideon fan magazine," said Violet, holding out the printed articles. "These are fakes! You weren't walking with Gideon in a blank sweater, and you didn't give a magazine interview with him, right?"

"I certainly didn't," said Mabel. "Gideon, you set all this up to pressure me, didn't you?"

"Ah wouldn't do that, sugar-plum. It must have been over-enthusiastic fans," said Gideon. "Please go to the dance with me, anyway?"

His cute face made the crowd go "Aww,"

But the spell was broken for Mabel. "I bet you even paid people to show up here."

"I can verify that is indeed the case," said the doctor.

"I'm not going to die of disappointment," said the old woman. "I'm going to die of embarrassment, and it's all Li'l Gideon's fault."

The old woman fell into the doctor's arms.

"Call an ambulance! Call the police!" shouted Blubbs.

"You are the police," said Dipper.

Everything turned to chaos, with people running around in every direction. In the confusion, Dipper, Mabel, and Violet slipped out.

* * *

Dipper, Mabel, and Violet arrived back at the Mystery Shack.

Mabel put the lobster into the tank with the Fiji Mermaid. "I have a lobster now."

Dipper said, "Well, at least it's over and you'll never have to go out with him again."

"I don't know," said Mabel. "I do sort of like Gideon , as a friend/little sister, so I didn't want to hurt his feelings! I just need to get things back to where they used to be. You know, friends."

"It would be a big mistake to try to stay friends," said Violet. "He's shown how manipulative he is. He was trying to drag you into a romantic relationship."

"I certainly don't like him that way," said Mabel with a shudder.

"You got out okay, Mabel," said Dipper. "It's not like you have to marry Gideon."

Grunkle Stan barged in the back door, "Great news, Mabel. You have to marry Gideon!"

"What?!" shouted Mabel.

"It's all part of my long term deal with Buddy Gleeful," said Stan. "There's a lot of cash tied up in this thing. Plus I got this shirt."

He gestured to his "Team Gideon" T-shirt, "Ugh. I am fat."

Mabel screamed and ran out of the room.

Stan called after her, "Bodies change, honey! Bodies change..."

Dipper ran after Mabel, while Violet confronted Stan.

"Grunkle Stan, I don't care how much money you could make in a deal with Mr. Gleeful. Gideon is a manipulative monster; Mabel doesn't love him. Forcing a young girl into marriage for money is just..."

"Now Violet, honey..." said Stan soothingly.

"It's as bad as Count Olaf!" said Violet. "As bad as what he tried to do to me with his 'Marvelous Marriage' scheme."

"I... umm... I didn't know about that. I guess... I'll have to call the deal off."

"You had better," said Violet. "Or Klaus, Sunny, and I will never speak to you again."

Violet marched upstairs, leaving Stan staring shamefacedly at the floor.

* * *

Gideon sat at the lighted dressing table in his room. He was in a rage, breathing heavily. "Dipper Pines and Violet Baudelaire, you don't know what you've done!"

He grabbed the amulet on his bolo tie. The candle levitated, and the light bulbs around his mirror exploded. Other objects in the room flew around and crashed to the floor.

"You've just made the biggest mistake of your life!"

Bud Gleeful opened the door. "Gideon Charles Gleeful, clean up your room this instant!"

Gideon screamed, "I can buy and sell you, old man!"

"Fair enough," said Bud, retreating from the room.

Gideon had a shrine of pictures he had secretly taken of Mabel and the others. He took one showing Mabel, Dipper, and the Baudelaires and burned away all but Mabel.


	15. The Precocious Prognosticator, Chapter 4

Mabel and Sunny were playing outside with Soos.

Soos tucked a pillow under his shirt and said, "Hit me, dudes!"

"Gend!" called Sunny, which meant, "We're both female, but here we come anyway."

Mabel was holding Sunny; they charged at Soos and bounced off his stomach.

"That feels good," said Soos.

Mabel laughed. "I'm glad things are back to normal."

* * *

Inside the Mystery Shack, Dipper, Violet, and Klaus were putting the finishing touches on a second vent crawling robot to rescue the first vent crawling robot. Wax Larry King's head had defeated it and got it stuck.

"This extendable gripper arm should be long enough and strong enough to pull the robot out," said Violet.

The phone rang and Dipper went to answer it. "Hello?"

"Toby Determined here. Daily Punctillio... I mean, the Gravity Falls Gossiper."

"Oh, hey man. Sorry for accusing you of murder last week."

"Water under the bridge! Say, we want to interview you about whether you've seen anything unusual about this here town since you've arrived."

"Oh, finally! I thought nobody would ever ask! I have notes and theories."

The voice on the phone gave him directions.

"Uh-huh. 412 Gopher Road, tonight? Got it," Dipper said.

Dipper went back to the two older Baudelaires. "Guess what? I got an interview with Toby Determined, that local reporter we suspected of beheading Wax Stan. It's a chance to publish my Gravity Falls theories! Funny thing, though. At first Toby said he was with the Daily Punctillio, instead of the Gravity Falls Gossiper."

The Daily Punctillio?" said Klaus.

"That's a terrible newspaper from our part of the world. Mr. Poe's wife is the editor. Nobody around here would know that name..." said Violet.

"Unless that wasn't really Toby Determined. It must have been Count Olaf!" said Klaus.

"It sounded like Toby," said Dipper.

"Count Olaf can do voices and accents well enough to fool most people," said Violet.

"Where are you supposed to meet him?" asked Klaus.

"At 412 Gopher Road," said Dipper.

Violet looked it up on an online map. "That's the address of a warehouse owned by Gideon Gleeful."

"A trap!" said Dipper. "I won't go."

"It could be a chance to learn what Count Olaf and Gideon are planning," said Violet. "Let's call in Mabel and Sunny for a council of war."

* * *

"If Gideon's working with Olaf, he must still be after you, Mabel," said Dipper.

"Or revenge on you and Violet for crossing him," said Klaus.

"I realize now that I just ran out on the date with Gideon without telling him I was breaking up with him," said Mabel. "He deserves an honest break-up."

"We can't just go into the warehouse without checking things out," said Violet. "I'm sure it's a trap."

"Bot!" said Sunny, which meant "We could use the vent-crawling robot to scope things out."

"You scope things out all you want, but I'm biking straight there to talk to Gideon face to face," said Mabel.

Mabel ran to get her helmet and bike. Dipper and Violet followed, riding double on his bike and bringing the new robot in Dipper's backpack.

As Mabel went to the front of the warehouse, Dipper and Violet went around in the woods to the side. They found a ladder to climb onto the roof, and Violet opened an air vent cover with a screwdriver so they could send the robot inside.

Mabel pushed open the door of the warehouse. It was full of boxes of Gideon merchandise.

Gideon turned around in his chair. He had a stuffed doll of himself on his lap. "M-Mabel. My marshmallah. What are you doin' here? Ah was expecting your brother." said Gideon.

"I'm sorry Gideon, but I can't be your marshmallow. I needed to be honest and tell you that myself," said Mabel.

"But why?"

"You were setting a trap to hurt my brother, what the heck?!" asked Mabel

"Not at all, I jus' wanted a li'l ol' heart to heart with him," said Gideon. "Ah don't like the way he and your cousin Violet turned you against me."

"That's because you were tricky. I see the blank white sweater that you used to make a fake picture for the newspaper. Who did you get to impersonate me?"

"That would be me, cakesniffer," said a curly-haired girl about Mabel's height who stepped out from behind a box.

"Carmelita Spats? Ah didn't expect to see you here," said Gideon. "Ah only needed you for the photo."

* * *

By now the robot had gotten into the room and it was sticking to the ceiling by its Nyarf suction cups.

"I know that girl," Violet told Dipper. "She was a bully at Prufrock Preparatory School, where we went for a while. She helped Count Olaf, and now it looks like she's joined his gang of villains."

They continued manipulating the robot, walking it along the ceiling until it was above Gideon's head.

"Shall we drop it on him?" Dipper asked.

"Wait, and let's see what happens," said Violet.

* * *

Carmelita began to tap dance and sing.

"I put on a blank white sweater  
Just for Gideon, to help him get her.  
It worked 'cause we caught Mabel now  
And my name is Carmelita!"

"That didn't rhyme," said Mabel.

"Only cakesniffers care about rhymes," said Carmelita.

"Oh yeah? Well, I don't just sniff cakes, I eat them!" said Mabel. "And I'm not caught!"

"Ah'm afraid you are," said Gideon. He touched the bolo tie amulet around his neck.

Mabel was lifted off the ground. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"Ah'm gonna keep you here, away from the bad influence of your family, until you agree to marry me," said Gideon.

What is that glowing thing you're using?" asked Mabel.

"Jes' a li'l ol' magic amulet," said Gideon. "It lets me move things around and also makes it hard for people to say no to me. Ah think ah'll use it to make you say yes to my proposal."

Count Olaf in his Deuce disguise came out from behind another stack of boxes.

"My trap is sprung, Gideon," said Olaf. "Catching one cousin or the other doesn't matter to me. She will be bait to help me catch the Baudelaires."

"Deuce? What are you doin' here?" asked Gideon. "Ah thought you were back at the Tent of Telepathy."

"That's a very handy item you have," said Olaf, as he and Carmelia moved closer to Gideon. "I could use that, especially since the legal marriage age in this town seems to be very young. There's an heiress I could claim again for a marvelous marriage."

"Stay back," said Gideon, lifting Olaf and Carmelita off the ground with his amulet.

"Cakesniffer!" Carmelita snarled at Gideon.

Violet extended the grabber arm of the robot from above while Gideon was distracted. She yanked the amulet free from Gideon's neck and tossed it to Mabel, who put it on.

"Thanks!" Mabel yelled.

With the amulet on, Mabel was still floating but now she was in control.

Mabel telekinetically tossed boxes of Gideon t-shirts on top of Gideon, boxes of Gideon snow-globes onto Carmelita, and boxes of Gideon sheep shears onto Olaf.

She levitated over to the window, which she smashed open. "Bye-bye, bad guys!"

As Mabel flew out the window, she spotted Dipper and Violet on the roof of the building. She picked them up also, and together they swooped down from the steep cliff on which the warehouse stood.

When they reached the bottom safely, Mabel smashed the amulet. "Nobody should have this kind of power."

Gideon, looking down from above, shouted, "Oh, this isn't over. This isn't the last you'll see of wittle... ol' me!"

"Or me, either!' shouted Olaf. "I'll get you next time, Violet Baudelaire!"

"You're fired, Deuce," said Gideon.

"I quit," said Olaf.

"Cakesniffers!" yelled Carmelita again.


End file.
